The usual way.

scraped them off an alley wall

Oh my God. Sick isn't the word.

it's a word though.

good enough

And you wonder why you're both single...

I'm not.

Single is a state of mind and I don't have a mind

I think you confused mind with penis. Is that you think you have done Pliny? Is it?

Oh yes, yes it is, depending on which myth you follow

The Loch Cress Monester myth always works for me.

What does that say about my penis?

That if it existed in the first instance, it would be a hideous creature that only looks big because it is magnified by the water and noone wants to go near it. And it lives in Scotland.

Ah right, well thats all lies, all of it, it doesn't even look big

I wouldn't worry. Just don't volunteer to be a nude model for art purposes. or any purposes. or porpoises for that matter.