I found the Holy Grail!
I'm sipping coca-cola from it now, which means I'll live forever but my teeth probably won't. Pretty newsworthy I'd say

Where did ya get it?

free with 4 bottles while stocks last at asda, don't you know anything?

No. No I don't.

socrates rip-off

I prefer to say inspired.

'inspired', like joe pasquale's jokes?

Are they inspired though?

they're inspired by other people

Isn't everything?

no

go

han solo

hands solo

ham shandy