I am new
Hello there, new boy here. Do I have to do a formal introduction to myself, like at a new school, seminar about office management or a self-help meeting? If so, I am Hilary Francis Fortnum, retiree, frequent (but not constant) gardener, blogger and Yorkshireman. I am delighted to join the Richard Herring community (I like the idea of a Richard Herring community, a bit like the gay community or, perhaps, the Chinese community, or any other ethnic, gender, sexual orientation or religious community). I am further delighted to make your (virtual) acquaintances and hope to share ideas, words, thoughts, opinions, jokes and just about anything else that takes our fancy. What shall we talk about first? Decking or the BBC’s decision to commission a second series of Little Miss Jocelyn? Both subjects result in my becoming rather animated. Kindest regards, Hilary

Hello. Not that I know of. We might get bored and start jokingly mentioning some warped initiation ceremony, but probably not. I'm going to facetiously offer you congratulations on your life. Congratulations. I don't think we're ethnic, gender, sexuality or religion oriented here. I'll have to check. I know nothing about neither, feel free to discuss them. Blib.

On second thoughts, discussing decking or low quality sitcoms may not be the best way to introduce myself. Perhaps I will just skulk around reading other people's conversations until I see the opportunity and, then, wade on in with a valid and insightful opinion of my own like "Yes, Catherine Tate is shit" or "Have you tried WD40?"

Under what circumstances would the comment "Have you tried WD40?" not be appropriate?

very nice blog, I like the way you've got an introduction that links to some highlights. The link in your signature doesn't work, because there's a full stop at the end that shouldn't be there, you might want to fix that. Welcome, this place is by most people's standards dreadful but you seem like a chap who could appreciate our efforts to not just talk rubbish like anyone can do but to talk Olympic-grade rubbish, and then some. I am curious as to whether the decking which is liable to excite you so is the sort of decking that they might cover your lawn up with on "Changing Gardens" or the pugilistic variety.

Keir, thank you (and also for your kind plug on your blog). I did have the garden arrangement version of decking in mind, though I'm sure I could wax lyrical about physical acts of violence, if necessary. As to talking rubbish, this island has been founded on inane conversations and wry observations (as well as a good deal of imperialism, slavery, wars, famines and an unbalanced class system) so I therefore consider myself to be right at home on this forum. Thanks also for registering on the website, I've added you to the mailing list, just let me know if you want to be taken off it, I've also (I think) sorted out the link problem in my signature. Phew, is that all? Ah yes, in answer to PMike's question, I would suggest "I am suffering from terrible excema". From bitter experience.

Well rubbish is a very good thing to talk, it includes so much given how wasteful people are with their conversations. Why the other day I pointed out an obscure pattern on roof-tiling which was just dismissed disdainfully. Thrown away like an unwanted and overused tissue in favour of TV gossip. I would think "Have you tried WD40?" an appropriate response to "I am suffering from terrible excema." A rather disturbing and unhelpful response, but appropriate nonetheless.

Well I would be rather intrigued to find out the results of applying WD40 to excema. It'd be rather interesting, although I imagine rather unpleasant for the sufferer.

If the request was "I'm looking for a product which cleans, protects, lubricates, penetrates and displaces moisture, but which doesn't offer a podcast featuring the UK's best loved magician Paul Daniels on their website" then the "have you tried WD40?" would be not be an appropriate response.

Does WD40 offer a podcast featuring Paul Daniels on their website?

yes, they do. also they call the product WD-40, but undermine that by having no hyphen in the URL.

How shameful.

the paul daniels thing or the hypen thing?

I was referring to the hyphen thing, but the Paul Daniels thing is pretty shameful as well.